


Unanswered Questions

by TheonSugden



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M, Mentions of past drug use, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 16:47:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8454118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: Ben and Jay move from friends to lovers...or somewhere in between.





	

Jay kissed him first. Ben was sure.  
  
He was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget that.  
  
He’d been trying to ask Jay a question. More than just one, but he never even got to the first - it kept getting stuck in his throat.  
  
_Are you using again?_  
  
He couldn’t ask. He didn’t want to hear the answer. So he just sat there. Drinking. Watching.  
  
They’d had some beers, half-watching some shit Jeremy Kyle rerun on in the background.  
  
Jay was perched on his side of the sofa, knees touching his chin.  
  
“Jay,” he said, not meaning to sound so needy.  
  
The next thing he remembered was Jay’s arms around him. Comforting - a mate. A best friend. A brother.  
  
Enough for Ben. Always had to be enough.  
  
He’d lifted his head up to kid Jay about how bad his breath was, and then…  
  
Their first kiss. Soft. Sloppy. Jay’s big hand against his jaw, pressing close. The taste of his tongue. The way he moaned when Ben, desperate, pathetic like always, groped the crotch of his tight jeans.  
  
“I-I’m sorry…” Ben said, forcing himself back until he fell onto the hard floor, not bothering to wince because he was too busy watching Jay wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. Watching the gleam in Jay’s eyes, the first time in months they hadn’t seemed dead. Letting himself believe the change was because of him.  
  
Jay got close then, yanking Ben off the ground, chest to chest as he pulled a bit too hard and nearly toppled backwards.  
  
Ben felt guilty but he checked Jay's eyes, looking for what they'd be if he was on something again.  
  
Jay looked confused, but not for long.  
  
"Gonna check under me nose too?"  
  
Ben glared, guilt sliding away to be replaced by anger, worry.  
  
"If I have to - yeah."  
  
Jay softened.  
  
"Ben -"  
  
Jay had never said his name like that before.  
  
"Just - just _trust_ me, alright? Know I don't make it easy."  
  
Ben let his hand rest on Jay's chest, something he'd done before, but it couldn't be the same now.  
  
They were both breathing so heavy Ben thought he was going to pass out, just to make a complete twat of himself, but then he felt Jay's arm curl around his back. He flinched, thinking of Paul, how long it had taken him to let Paul be so intimate with him, not just quick and dirty in any car or coffin.  
  
"Sorry," Jay said, pulling away. "I'm gonna - "  
  
Ben knew he should toss him another beer, just forget any of this had ever happened. Or go for a long walk. Like about five years.  
  
"Jay, wait," was what came out instead, and he found himself putting his arm around Jay's back this time. “Jay?” he pleaded, because if this was going to stop it had to stop then.  
  
Jay grinned, probably the booze more than what they were about to do, Ben knew, but it was beautiful. He was beautiful.  
  
Ben went in for the kiss that time, groaning when Jay pulled back, a smirk on his face.  
  
“You're a pillock, Jay, you know that?”  
  
Jay laughed, tugging at the front of Ben's shirt.  
  
“C'mon,” Jay said, casually, too casually for what they were about to do. So much it should’ve worried Ben, made him stop. The way it would’ve stopped a real friend, a real brother.  
  
Ben pushed his worries down, needing to hold Jay’s hand, needing that rush in his gut as he was pulled into his bedroom.  
  
Jay just kept smirking. Ben knew then he wasn’t going to be able to stop, because his dick throbbed, the way it always did when Jay looked at him that way. Teasing. Only now it wasn’t like the other times. It was dirty and grubby, and it should have felt wrong to Ben, but all he could do was grab the back of Jay’s head and go for it.  
  
He got his kiss then, and it wasn’t sweet or soft, not the way it was supposed to be. It was desperate, pathetic. Their noses jostled like something out of a comedy, he made all these awful sounds when Jay’s tongue was in his mouth. He'd been with enough blokes to be better than this.  
  
Jay took over, the way Jay always had to do. His hands were so big and his fingers were so long. They were so soft, somehow, when Ben felt them cupping his head, soft even after all the graft.  
  
He broke away, licking his lips, rubbing his crotch through his jeans as he tried to keep himself from losing it so fast.  
  
Jay’s top was off before Ben could say anything about slowing down. It was Jay's black top, with the black coat thrown next to Ben’s bed. It looked good there. Jay looked so gorgeous, half-naked and staring him down expectantly, Ben almost didn’t want to spoil it. He fucking well would, but he had to take a few seconds to take it all in.  
  
He let his hand press against Jay’s stomach. Flat and smooth, the way he remembered, but...taut. Lean muscles. Like in the garage, when Jay would wipe the sweat from his eyes, but he'd never tried to touch. Never let himself think it was even a possibility.  
  
"Fuck," he breathed, barely even able managing to get that out at as he ran his slick palm across Jay's abs. He repeated it again, louder, when his hand drifted enough to feel the outline of Jay's shaft against the painted-on denim.  
  
He yanked his shirt over his head, suddenly self-conscious as he compared his chest and stomach to his friend's upper body.  
  
"Gimme a complex," he muttered.  
  
Jay just shook his head in that cheeky way Ben associated more with joking around the table in the mornings, not...not this.  
  
"C'mere."  
  
Jay yanked him forward by the belt as they kissed. Ben's arms were at his sides, one of Jay's hands on Ben's slight belly and the other around the back of his neck. Jay's hand began to grope him through his jeans, making Ben jump - in more ways than one.  
  
Jay pulled away again, panting through the words.  
  
"Wanna stop?"  
  
Ben closed his eyes for a second, thinking about the last time he'd been on Grindr, another bloke who'd looked just like Paul instead of the one before who'd looked nothing like Paul. He'd said the same, before Ben had been balls deep. He'd been right, Ben had wanted to stop...but being alone was even worse than all the shame and guilt he always felt after.  
  
He didn't want to stop with Jay, but he wanted to ask how they'd ever look each other in the eye after this, what in Jay had been twisted to ever see Ben the way Ben had always seen him.  
  
Instead, he bit his lip, sharing another rough kiss with his best mate before he sank to his knees.  
  
Jay let out a quiet curse as the crackle of the belt buckle filled the space of everything they didn't want to say. The sound of the zip was even louder, echoing in Ben's good ear like some point of no return.  
  
He let Jay take off his glasses and press his face further into the fabric of the boxers, groaning into the grey cotton that filled his mouth.  
  
"Fuckin' -" Jay managed as Ben licked the base of his shaft through the boxers, steadying himself with his hands on Jay's slim waist.  
  
Ben knew Jay was looking down at him. He knew he should be happy Jay wanted to see him instead of closing his eyes and pretending Ben was some girl, any girl, but he just swallowed.  
  
He carefully lowered Jay's pants, wanting to see each new pale expanse of flesh, capped by wiry ginger pubes, smiling at the slight bounce as his long, thin shaft was finally set free.  
  
He'd seen Jay naked - he could tell you every time he had, in great detail, from changing rooms to leaving the shower - but this wasn't just seeing. He could touch him, taste him.  
  
And he soon did, looking up at Jay's eyes, gleaming with affection or lust or both, before peeling back his foreskin, nervously running his tongue along and around the glans.  
  
He felt Jay shudder against his mouth and hands, his lean frame trembling at the knees. It made Ben feel good, and guilty, to know he had this much control over him.  
  
He realized just how good as his hard cock pushed against his jeans, neglected. He opened his jeans, blushing as his length slapped against his belly.  
  
He tilted his head a bit as he let Jay guide him further down his shaft, gagging as Jay hit the back of his throat. He wasn't out of practice, but he couldn't relax. It wasn't just some bloke. It was Jay.  
  
"It's alright," Jay whispered, even as his eyes met the back of his head at Ben's up and down motions.  
  
Ben pulled off, slowly, letting his tongue wander down the underside, every inch a new experience. Tasting the foreskin against his tongue and teeth, he stopped his own strokes to jerk Jay off with one crude hand, the other unable to resist playing with his balls, finally taking one of the tight, smooth orbs into his mouth.  
  
"Bastard!" Jay shouted as pre-come splashed Ben's neck and cheek.  
  
"Shhhh," Ben grimaced, quickly turning to a snort of laughter at the ridiculousness of what they were doing.  
  
Jay laughed too, holding back the sound with the back of his hand until his eyes began to water. From laughing, and also from Ben wanking him throughout.  
  
"Don't stop, mate," Jay managed.  
  
He knew Jay wouldn't last much longer, which was probably best, since he didn't even remember if they'd locked the fucking door.  
  
He put his glasses back on, needing to see Jay's face in case this never happened again.  
  
"Don't think I can ever call ya bruv again," he teased, the picture of cheeky innocence.  
  
Jay sheepishly nodded, guard down, just the way Ben wanted...before he proceeded to deep-throat him.  
  
_"FUCK!"_  
  
Ben knew that was loud enough to wake up half of Walford, but he couldn't make himself give a single fuck at the moment. Seeing Jay, his Jay, losing it, the sound of him, desperate and broken, the feel of his strained fingers yanking at Ben's hair, the taste of the loads coursing down his throat, the smell of his sweat and semen, mixed with Ben's saliva as it dribbled down his chin.  
  
His glasses were soaked with the last volley as Jay pulled out of his mouth, which he was grateful for, as it meant he didn't have to see Jay's regret, or pity.  
  
Through the blurs he saw Jay slowly kneel beside him, hesitating a moment before taking Ben's stiff prick in his hand.  
  
"Gotta help out," he whispered against Ben's temple.  
  
Ben groaned at the rough but gentle touch, and at the sound of Jay tugging at himself, slapping his half-hard prick against their stomachs.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
So close to Ben's ear, tongue flitting in and out.  
  
Ben nodded.  
  
He convulsed as he sprayed onto Jay's stomach and thighs, wishing he could see, wishing he could lick every drop off and feed it to his best mate...now so much more.  
  
He thought he'd never stop, collapsing in Jay's arms by the end. It should have been the other way round, he should've been the one in control, with Jay using him, but he couldn't think about that now. He shook and shook as he finished coming, letting Jay hold him, kiss his nose and forehead.  
  
After a few more minutes, Jay carefully took off Ben's glasses, cleaning them with a nearby pair of pants Ben hadn't bothered to pick up.  
  
"Nasty boy," Jay joked as he waved the pants around.  
  
Ben wanted to laugh, but he had so much else to say and to ask.  
  
"Jay - "  
  
The rest was cut off by high heels clomping down the hallway.  
  
Jay scrambled to lock the door, collapsing against it seconds before someone tried to turn the knob.  
  
When that failed, the pounding began...accompanied by a familiar steely voice.  
  
"I don't care how old ya are... _I'll throw that flamin' games console out the window_!"  
  
The high heels click-clacked away again as Ben and Jay looked at each other, eyes wide, too scared to do anything but hang their mouths open and point at each other like idiots.  
  
A few minutes later, they felt safe enough to laugh, and keep laughing.  
  
It was the best laugh they'd had in a long time.  
  
Jay was the one who stopped first, staring down at himself like he'd just realized he was still naked.  
  
Ben got the hint and made his way over to pick up Jay's clothes.  
  
He handed them to Jay, but was surprised when Jay's hand wrapped around his wrist.  
  
"Want me to go?" he said, the jokes from earlier replaced with...hurt? Resignation? Relief?  
  
Ben didn't want to ask.  
  
"If that's what you want."  
  
Jay tried to laugh, but it got mangled in the bitterness.  
  
"When is it ever about what I want?"  
  
Something in those words hurt Ben in a way he didn't think anything ever could again after Paul. He wanted to punch somebody, break something, but he was so tired.  
  
He sat down beside Jay, holding Jay's clothes over his crotch. He rubbed his eyes, glad his glasses were still off, so he had an excuse for the redness around them.  
  
He had to ask this time, a frightened whisper.  
  
"So you...you did this 'cos it's what you thought I wanted?"  
  
Jay shook his head.  
  
"No. No. I -"  
  
Ben didn't know whether to believe him. To even take the risk.  
  
"You were gagging for it? You were lonely?"  
  
Jay sighed.  
  
"I dunno, alright?"  
  
He looked down at his hand, on top of Ben's.  
  
"Felt right. First thing in ages that -"  
  
Ben didn't want to hear anymore, couldn't handle hearing the rest, bad or good.  
  
"I'm knackered."  
  
Jay yawned.  
  
"Guess you are too."  
  
"Yeah. Might head to my room."  
  
Ben thumped the back of his head against the door, sighed, tried not to think about the hesitancy in Jay's voice.  
  
"Course my clothes are covered in your jizz."  
  
Ben laughed.  
  
"Beats bein' covered in your jizz."  
  
Jay rolled his eyes, blurting out the next sentence before he realized how it sounded.  
  
"Didn't see you havin' a problem with it."  
  
Ben just looked at Jay in disbelief, leading to panic from Jay until Ben drowned him in a pile of his clothes - and Ben's old pants as the final humiliation.  
  
"You can sleep on the floor," he offered as his laughing mate finally came up for air.  
  
Jay offered a sleepy smile, one on autopilot.  
  
"We do need to talk," he said, screwing up his face at how it sounded. "Flamin' hell, I sound like somebody's dad."  
  
Ben didn't even want to think about dads right now, or how Phil would react to them. Deep down he knew Phil wouldn't even care...worse, he was starting to care less and less what his dad thought.  
  
He looked over at a half-asleep Jay and wondered if maybe it wasn't so bad after all.  
  
No. He couldn't let himself think that way. He just had to take it day by day. Paul, and his gran, and Dad - all that shit had to teach him something, other than how much life sucks.  
  
"We'll talk tomorrow," he decided.  
  
"Yeah," Jay agreed, "Or we'll just get a fryup."  
  
Ben nodded, because he really didn't want to talk about it either. He either wanted to forget the whole thing or run away to some island where he and Jay could make pants out of palm trees and fuck all day.  
  
Best keep that to himself.  
  
"And you don't have to sleep on the floor."  
  
Jay managed an eyebrow-raise.  
  
"No funny business, alright?"  
  
Ben smirked.  
  
"Think it's a little late."  
  
Jay blushed, like he'd totally forgotten what they'd just done - like either of them ever could.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Ben nodded toward the bed.  
  
"Go on first then. Your choice."  
  
Jay rolled his eyes, thumping Ben on the shoulder.  
  
"You just wanna look at my arse. Admit it."  
  
Ben scoffed, now blushing himself.  
  
"Don't flatter yourself."  
  
Jay shrugged, and ambled his way over to the bed. As he sat down, Ben stood up on wobbly legs, a glint in his eyes.  
  
"Oh, and I was _definitely_ looking at your arse."  
  
"I knew it!" Jay laughed, pulling Ben onto the bed, scrapping turned to exhausted grappling that, for a few hours anyway, helped them forget everything outside Ben's locked bedroom door.


End file.
